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Dear Cat,
I have come home to my parents for a few days with my 2 1/2 year old son. We live quite far away so on this occasion I have flown by myself as my husband has to work, I also have a friends wedding which I am attending so I decided to come home for 2 weeks.
It is late at night as I write this and I am so upset. My mum has just “given me a talking to” about my son’s behaviour after he got out of the bath. He had a bit of a melt down and was refusing to get in his pyjamas. He sometimes does this, he hates bedtime as he just wants to carry on playing and staying up with us all. I carried on as best I could but my mum just stormed out of the bathroom because she couldn’t cope with it, and then later she said he is out of control and I have to do something about it – he’s a 2 1/2 year old, I am doing my best!!
I just feel that my family don’t understand at all how hard I am finding things at the moment. My husband works a lot, including lots of weekends. I am in a new location, I am trying to make friends but it is hard, I haven’t gone back to work because there is no point with my son to care for. I am effectively a single parent in a difficult situation so no wonder I am not parenting perfectly!
What I wanted this fortnight from my family was to feel supported and loved for a couple of weeks, but instead I feel criticised and useless and worse than ever. I feel like having it out with my mum and telling her how I feel, but I don’t think she will understand, I think it will just make everything worse and she will criticise me even more.
Thanks a lot for your thoughts, Mel.
Dear Mel,
Thank you for your email.
You poor thing, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate at the moment and were hoping for some support and respite whilst you were with your parents, but that hasn’t turned out to be the case which I am sorry to hear.
Not a new situation.
I have frequently heard stories similar to yours. I think that families just don’t ‘get it’ sometimes, especially where parenting is concerned, and especially when we are finding things tough but don’t know how to communicate that.
Families are usually trying to ‘help’.
Often family members simply see what’s ‘wrong’ with our lives or situation, and think they are helping by pointing it out, as if we don’t know! It sounds like your family are not aware, or are not taking into account how much else you are dealing with before you even approach how you are parenting.
What you can do.
The most important thing is to protect your self-confidence and self-esteem, so thank you for getting in touch.
Remember this…. you are doing the best job you can with your son, which I am sure is a wonderful one.
The ”terrible two’s”are difficult times indeed (consider reading my article on ‘Coping with toddler tantrums’ which is on my website).
The most important thing is to be consistently loving towards him and as patient as you can be, he needs your love and understanding as he transitions from being a baby to being a little boy, his behaviour is probably very normal for his age.
If you have questions about how to manage any particular aspects of his behaviour then do seek advice from a health visitor or other professional that you trust, it can take confidence to do this, but you will be showing your confidence in your ability to ask for help.
“Fit your own oxygen mask”….
Look after yourself in order to maintain your self-esteem and confidence. Contacting me is a great start, but also think about friends you could reach out to who would understand, or family members or professionals who could support you. Can you make time for activities which will increase your happiness and well-being?
Don’t underestimate the difficulties you seem to be coping with at the moment, as you say you are “effectively a single parent in a difficult situation so no wonder I am not parenting perfectly”. List all the things you are doing well and praise yourself for them, and point them out to others as well if needs be!
Speaking personally, I have struggled with ‘helpful comments’ from family members over the years when it comes to raising my children. I have frequently felt insulted and have taken their ‘help’ as a personal attack against my competence as a parent.
Have the strength to understand and forgive.
Ultimately we need to try to understand and forgive our families. They will be worried on our behalf and will be wanting to help us, their hearts are usually in the right place, they just may not be realising that what we usually want is reassurance and praise for how well we are doing, not criticism and comments about how we could be doing better! Tips and ideas are great, but only from those who listen first to how we are feeling!!
Finally…
If you do ‘have it out with’ your mum then I would recommend waiting for a time when things are otherwise calm, and when she is most likely to listen. Make sure you don’t appear to criticise her at all, it wont help as she is likely to be distracted by wanting to defend herself, rather than listening properly to you. Simply stick with how you are feeling at the moment, and what you would like her help with. If you can display the strength to be honest about your feelings, then hopefully she will begin to understand what you need and want from her.
I hope these thoughts have been useful? Have you read my book? It will help you to feel calmer and stronger and will give you more thoughts on parenting and building the best possible relationship with your family.
Good luck, I will be thinking of you.
Cat xx
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